Gwinello

70 Sheets College Ruled

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:15:36 GMT

I can't sleep. I should sleep. I got about four hours of sleep last night, woke up, worked a ten hour day, came home... and did nothing. And here I am. 1 AM... have to work at 9 AM... seeing Mr. Patrick after work with his all wonderful fiance "Dani", and then... ... sleeping?

I wonder if it's always hard seeing someone after a relationship is done. Now I don't wish Mr. Patrick any bad. In fact, I'm rather fond of the boy. We didn't necessarily end on bad terms. Okay, maybe that's a lie, but we did get over those bad terms and we're perfectly amiable now. I like him. I like Dani in theory... but the two of them combined in the same room... I'm not so sure. They're moving up to Minnesota together. They're getting married. Yay? I mean I was going to get married to him. At some point. One point. Now he's really getting a life. A good life. And y'know what? Good for him. I mean it. I'm in a happy relationship, have a steady job, a future I'll be embracing in the near future, and a great group of friends. What more could I want? Life is good.

But on a hot muggy night, with my wonderful girlfriend asleep in the other room, and when I just cant find sleep behind closed eyes... I wonder what would have happened if I would have taken another path in life. Now I don't mean that I would want to be with Mr. Patrick. But who would I be today if I would have enrolled in the Peace Corp, got married, and traveled the earth? Would I be a better person? Have I wasted years of my life attending a local university, working at a practically low-rate dead end job, and going no where particularly fast? Or is there some bigger purpose rolling in with those waves of thunder? Is the lightening flashing snippets of what could have been - or what might be?

Isn't it weird growing up? I mean seriously. Who are we becoming, and is this who we meant ourselves to be?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. Life is ultimately good. Take the fact that it's pouring outside. Drink deep my gardens; drink deep.

bleh

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:54:33 GMT

"Wake up and face me. Don't play dead because maybe some day I will walk away and say, 'You disappoint me. Maybe you're better off this way'."

I. Don't. Know.

Is that clear enough? I'm sitting in my parents' car waiting for some Zombie play to start. I don't know why I came. I don't know why I do anything.

I wish I could go back one year. More if possible, but a year would suffice. I could fix my mistakes and play the game right. I need to focus on that now. Play the game and get out alive... then create your own sequel.

I guess I need some alone time. Not from every one, but I need to get started on my UWSP stuff so I can make it up there. I can't wait. And if need be I'm going to have to cut the ropes which are binding me here... hopefully the ropes don't consist of people's arms... but so be it. The only way to fix my mistakes is to deliberately succeed.

Ready?

Here I come.

Meh

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 06:10:03 GMT

I really need to get my computer fixed. Typing on my phone kind of sucks.

Today was an interesting day. My classes were okay. Nothing huge. But I got three A's and a B+ for midterms... so I'm doing a lot better this semester. Though I may have said that in my last entry. I've also lost almost 10 lbs in the past few days. Diet activate!

It feels like everything is slipping though. Jeff is pissed with me. Work is weird. And I have no idea what's going on with Kathy. I won't even see her until Easter. *shrug* Life is alright, but not fantastic. Summer will be better... and once I get to Stevens Point I think a lot will change. At least I hope that it will give me the oppurtunity to grow some. Gods know I need it.

Meh I have to be at class in less than seven hours. I should sleep.

I'll Hold You Up

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:34:33 GMT

I spent three days, count them, three days in my bed without getting up... by myself... in fits of tears or making myself sleep to halt the onslaught of emotions. I know I've said it before, but I think I might be bipolar... or maybe it's just what the doctors' said, and I have an extreme anxiety disorder with a [un]healthy dose of manic depression. The thing is I admit I don't alternate between moods frequently. Usually I go about a year or so where I'm mostly fine then -BAM- a few days of crying... so I guess it's not really like bipolar disorders... I don't get the extreme highs and extreme lows circulating through my mind... just me... and then a very, very sad me. The only thing I regret is I had plans... which I bailed on as usual... I really wanted to go see Michelle. I printed off the bus schedule... then I didn't move. Great, Gwin... you're a winner... again, like usual.

I'm mostly fine now. Mostly fine and extremely pissed. Life sucks. Life is beautiful. Everything is so undefined. It's vague and heavy on my chest. Would life be different? Am I able to be different? How can I commit to any relationship with my fits of the crazies? Who would want to deal with this? I could never be a parent... well a good parent, at least. Not when I bail on life for days at a time. I'm lazy and selfish and hideous. I am not worthy of anything I have. And it pisses me off. I want to bash my head against walls and scream out a brutal roar at any one who passes by me. I want to slam my fists against their chests and scream, "WHY!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY!?" But I don't even know the meaning of that question. I don't know what I want to know. It's so... far away.

And my dreams. Can you say fucked? People blowing their brains out while trying to hold me still. Being bombed. School with trying to find the acting coaches. They were the kind of dreams where I woke up with my shirt soaked in sweat. I was not an amused girl this morning. I'm still not particularly amused. I have no patience with anything... myself included. I regret so much. I let so much slip by me. And am I doing the same now?

Man, I really need to start writing happy entries.

Don't You See Me?

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 02:58:38 GMT

"Don't you see me, I'm waiting here for you
You've got the key, can't you hear me?
Deep in your eyes, I can see your lonely heart
Believe in love, can't you hear me?"

I wish things were black and white. God. God. God. God. God.... Do those count as prayers? Isn't it amazing how one moment something can build you up and the next it fucking tears you down to your very foundations and leaves you a mere skeleton of who you were... with no muscles there to support who you *want* to be?

I don't know anything any more. I don't know what I want. Is there such a thing as love? Does it exist, or is it just a pitiful attempt of my mind trying to find some solace in life.

I think I may just be the most selfish person to ever have existed. End of story. Nothing's perfect. Do I wish things had been different? Do I? For the love of god. I don't know if I can win this one. Any broken heart is a defeat. It might as well be mine, right? Mine or theirs'. Or all?

Huh.

I wish things would revert back to simpler times. I don't deserve any one's loyalty.

Time it Was, and What a Time it Was.

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 00:55:20 GMT

Crabbiness reactivate. Ready... go. Craziness activate to a whole new level... ready... GO! So, yeah. I got some pretty spiffy boots today from Hot Topic. I generally don't shop much at that store any more but the boots are perfect for my Peacekeeper uniform. I will look hardcore. I need to lose a little more weight to look good in my leather pants, but on a whole my uniform is almost complete. There's a lady downtown who's going to make my vest... then I will be done and all set. Ahead of time, even!

I saw Kathy yesterday, which made me a hell of a lot better until this afternoon... then all hell broke loose in my mind again. Oh well. It happens. I won't be seeing her for a while and now that she can't text I won't even really be talking to her. Maybe it'll be good for us not to be so enmeshed. I'm not quite so sure I'm going to be able to bear it, but with our different schedules it's the way it's going to have to be.

I registered for my spring classes. Of course I was too late for the ones that I had planned on... but at least I'll be going to school. My schedule's going to be fucked. Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays I'm not going to be able to work a whole lot. I'm going to be at school from 10-3 PM so I'll work 4-9 at the most. Ouch. Tuesdays and Thursdays though I can work from 12-9 which hopefully will make of for some of my lost hours. And of course weekends I'll have open availability. I was planning on quitting, so I shouldn't be upset about not having hours. I really do get the best of both worlds... some income yet more time. My classes are a little more spaced out too so hopefully I'll get more work done at school.

So overall it's been a good day. I shouldn't be so upset that I don't get to see or talk to Kathy. She has her own life and I have mine. Until she's out of high school we're just going to have to deal with that. ... and I guess even when she's out of high school there are still so many options that I can't be 100% sure if we will in fact be in the same place at the same time. It'll work out if it's meant to be... if we work at it... I need to start hanging with some other friends in any case and give her time to hang with her own amigas. It probably isn't healthy that my ENTIRE world and state of being revolves around her.

But it does. She rocks my world. *sigh*

Whatever Will Be Will Be

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 21:29:06 GMT

Work today was amazingly hectic. It went by relatively fast, which was good, but I wanted to punch people. As my mother so eloquently put it, "Goddammit, I did it again. Go sit down." I wonder if people can tell by the look on my face that I just simply don't give a shit. Oh wow, yes, I really needed to hear your entire life story to find out that you need a simple banana plug. Way to go buddy!

I get paid at midnight tonight so I'll take a hundred dollars out and go pay my tuition hold tomorrow morning. I really need to get a move on and make sure that I get some classes in this semester. I also have to make sure that I actually go to my classes. What a concept! Me? Class? Learning? ... Nawwwww... That's silly.

I'm epically crabby. I don't have any one I can truly relate to at the moment and it's making me want to lash out at the people I actually care about. Which, granted, is insane. I *like* the people I'm close to... I just can't explain some of this stuff to them. And then I have this belief that we're on the same page and I'm disappointed when the differences come to the surface. I shouldn't be upset. I shouldn't be disappointed. But I feel like I should be running away. That I'm looking at one version of who they are... but when they're not with me they're another completely different person. That's reality though. Perhaps not to the extent that I'm playing it out in my mind... but I'm different when I'm around them compared to when I'm around Jeff or Melissa. Or Shawn. Or Jessica. We put on the different masks for the different people in our lives. I should just deal with it and trust this person. That's what it comes down to. I need to know that I'm not going to be stabbed in the back. And it's one thing to claim that you're not stupid... but really it was stupid... but still my fault. And I still should have known better. But my reasoning skills go out the window... but I still have to remember there is a difference between us. Maturity wise? I don't see it. Not when I'm with them. But I didn't go to my friends and blab that - any of that. Is that just because I don't have friends? Is it because I respect her more than that? I think it's a private matter. Especially with us, in our situation. Maybe I don't understand her ties with her friends... If she needs to tell them these things then I shouldn't be upset. But I can't shake the feeling that she just doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Is this all a game to her? When I was in high school I probably would have done something similar if I had people like that... but I'm not in high school. Again with the expected maturity level. High school versus college lifestyles. Sometimes I wish I had never met her. My life would be simple. There are so many obstacles to face right now. I can't see things turning out alright. Three years can make a huge difference.

But I did meet her. She's the love of my life. I couldn't handle not seeing her. When we're together everything clicks and nothing can hurt me... the problem is we can't always be together... then these thoughts come. It's not that I doubt that she loves me... it's that I'm not sure if either of us are adult enough to truly understand how to deal with love. I wonder if she'd be upset if I told my friends about the physical aspects of our relationship. ... but I can't... because that would be inappropriate and I would get into trouble. Double standards, much?

I guess I'm just not in a good mood. When I'm upset with her I know something is majorly wrong because it's not natural and it never happens. She's my other half... I really, truly, fully believe that she is my soul mate. I just need to learn a little patience and to not worry about things so much. What happens, happens. Que sera, sera... right?

I'm Looking at You Through the Glass

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 00:47:09 GMT

Diet and quitting day #1:

"How do you feel? That is the question. But I forget you don't expect an easy answer." I definitely feel like something is missing. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I want something... but I can't put my finger on it. When I used to feel like this I would smoke. But no longer. This time I am quitting for good. Twenty minutes after your last cigarette the body starts to heal. It can take up to seventy-two hours for the nicotine to leave your body. After that point in time the cravings should gradually decrease. After three days then it's all just psychological. See, if nothing else I have become more educated. And imagine how much more money I will have. Almost six dollars every other day adds up.

It doesn't help that Jeff is being such an ass. Maybe he's not. I can't tell whether I'm being crabby and over sensitive or not. I have a tendency to take things out of context and text messages don't help that. At least we're still talking - that leaves room for improvement... not the end of the world.

School and work are still the same. I'm chugging away at everything. Nothing overly spectacular.

Kathy is still the same. She is amazing. 'Nuff said. Eventually I will be skinny and better looking and I might feel a little more worthy of her. ... but I have no clue how I ended up with her. She's way beyond me.

So day one. I slept. I woke up. Felt miserable still. I slept. Now I exist. Now I will return to my bed and sleep once again. This is the memoirs of my epic battle. :-P

Blacken the Sun - What've I Done?

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 02:36:01 GMT

So far school is going alright. I suppose after only one week I shouldn't be making too many assumptions. I like all of my classes except for Math 110... which I knew when I signed up with that professor. I have a lot of work to do, but I don't mind it and I need to excersize my brain anyway.

Tonight I feel lonely. Not like I want people around me. Actually I went and hung out with Kathy for a while, and while I thoroughly enjoyed myself, it didn't even help. Usually anytime I see her I'm on cloud nine for the rest of the night. I just feel like I'm wandering aimlessly through this life. I can't see anything ever getting any better, because honestly things aren't so bad at all. Why, though, can I never be satisfied? It's like there's something looming up before me, just out of my sight, that's beckoning me towards it. I feel like punching a wall or grabbing something sharp and going to town. Not like before... not like in high school... but I more feel like I am going to implode. Why? Why why WHY WHY WHY!?!?!? But what? What is wrong with me? For the love of God, and I mean that seriously, how can I overcome this? Am I doomed to feel this way for the rest of my life? To endure a kind of numbing apathy that breaks down every fiber of my being strand by strand? Why can't I feel anything? Why can't I just grow up already and settle into some sort of life? I'm tired. Bodily and emotionally.

I want to drink. I want to smoke. I can't stand accepting reality tonight.

I want to be saved.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:50:52 GMT

Man, I must be getting cynical. When at the end of the day people are talking to me about their "custom gaming rigs" and I'm like "No one fucking cares." And I don't care. Man, grow up. Get a job. Go to school. DO SOMETHING. I'm sick of working full time and trying to support myself both physically and mentally and just I'm confronted by all this apathy. Here's a newsflash. Gaming isn't reality. Join the war instead of playing Battlefield 2142 and tell me how it really feels to be a sniper. Would that be so hardcore? "Fucking sweet man." Take the three grand that you've invested in computer parts and donate it to some kid who doesn't have the choice to purposely fail. Instead of spending 20 hours a day sitting on your ass DO SOMETHING. God, these people don't know how good life is when they're living it through a computer screen. Maybe I'm just cynical because I'm working for food and my education not just new games to take my mind out of my body. Maybe I'm just cynical because I don't HAVE that fucking option. But seriously I'm cynical. And seriously I think people need a wake up call.

I can't stand the majority of the people I've been close to. That hurts. I just can't be everything to every one any more. I need some reciprocation.

I don't know what I need. Maybe some drugs or something... not like crack... but something to stabilize my thoughts. Cuz this is all just crazy.

Fuck.

Spiders

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 03:55:56 GMT

I think there may be a conspiracy in the arachnid world with my name on it. I have no idea why my room is the spider hang out in my house. I vacuum my room four times a week at least and I don't have a lot of stuff. Actually, it's pretty bare. So it's clean, there's no where for them to make their little hiding spots, I have no food crumbs, etc but they're ALL FREAKING OVER! And then I start crying like a little ninny and flailing about until someone comes and rescues me. Damn.

Work's been pretty slow lately. I can't tell whether I'm glad that I'm getting a little break to get caught up on things, or whether I'm angry that my new few paychecks are going to completely suck. Either way I don't have a choice so I should just make the best out of it. I really love my job and the people I work with. Even when I'm working more than I want to.

On another note, I think me being lonely is getting me in trouble. That may sound rather pathetic, but since I haven't had any one to really *TALK* to about anything it seems that I'm second guessing everything about myself. My view on relationships is hot and cold, and to be honest I have no idea WHAT I want. Other than the fact that I want SOMETHING and someone to share ... life... with. I don't mean forever, or anything, but I'm sick of going to work, going home, and going to bed without so much as three words spoken. I want to give someone a hug and be like "HIIIIIIII!!!! HOW ARE YOU!? ARE YOU GOOD!? I'M SO GLAD TO SEEEEEE YOUUUUUU!!!!!" And not necessarily in a romantic way. Gah. West Bend has a huge potential to suck. Where are all of the cool geeks at these days any way?

And I've quit smoking. I feel like shit with the cravings, but today I had someone offer me a smoke and I didn't even want it. So there's hope.

If any one actually reads this I hope you're doing well.
Word.

Up.

Energy Drinks = Love

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 01:34:35 GMT

This past weekend was pretty amazing. I went to Green Bay to see my Aunt and have a "Girls' Weekend". We went and got massages, which I didn't particularly like. It felt good WHEN I got it, but afterwards my back hurt like all crap. Then we went shopping. I didn't get a whole lot, but what I did get is awesome. I got a Dungeons and Dragons t-shirt (RIP D&D Man), Elizabeth: The Golden Age, a new work sweater, and some lavender/vanilla body wash. So all in all it was a good day.

Then we went out. I was the sober driver, and my aunt and mother got really smashed. Not stupid drunk, but buzzed drunk. And it was HILARIOUS! We were watching this bad jazz band and my Aunt was like "Well enough of this shit! I don't like this one... it's too... Sci-fi for me." And then my Uncle went to the bathroom and she stole his entire cup of wine. And when we were going home at like 1 AM my Aunt decided she HAD to have deep fried egg plant.

It was a good break before midterms.

Sometimes I love my family.

Love is not a Victory March

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 02:36:18 GMT

Basically I feel like an absolutely horrible person. My father's been in the hospital again since last Thursday and the entire situation has just exploded. It was nothing serious. He decided to just "check in" and see what was up. First off that is extremely stupid. He KNOWS what's up. He KNOWS he's been hospitalized three times before for heart failure. He KNOWS he has bad diabetes and the consequences of him not keeping that in check. He KNOWS that he's way too overweight. What was he expecting? I mean what the hell? There's really nothing they can do to magically fix him. He has to actively make a healthy lifestyle for himself. He goes to McDonald's probably twice a day and eats over proportioned meals and literally doesn't walk more than a few feet a day. He walks to the car, to his office, to his car, to the couch, and to his bed. Literally. And I mean LITERALLY. What the fuck was he expecting? They can't make any of his issues go away.

He's coming home tonight, but no one called to tell me that people were coming to deliver O2 tanks and set them up. So here I am in my PJs laying down and all of a sudden there are all these people at my house asking me questions and expecting me to know what's going on and how to do all this stuff and I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. So I'M the one who ended up learning all of this, dealing with it, setting it up so that it'll work for him while he's.... not here. See? I'm a horrible person. I should feel bad that he's sick. I should feel compassionate. But instead I'm so angry and annoyed. It's just the story of his life. He mopes and complains and is the center of attention while we make excuses for him in public and make sure everything is ok. It's the night before I go to school and I have no supplies, I have no idea if my schedule is going to work out, I have no idea how the fuck I'm going to pay for anything, I don't have any of my books, and the entire night is about me having to take care of him. And now he's home and the first words out of his mouth were: "Gwin, make me some tea."

Now all of that is ... alright... but apparently everyone has decided that this entire experience is going to be some sort of intervention and they've been all brutally honest with him. Not just my Mother but other people as well. In my opinion it's all valid. He needs to hear how his choices have affected people. My mom went in yesterday to visit and had a discussion about how he needs to choose whether they are going to be married or not. Rev. Jim went in to talk to him, and I have no idea what he said, but when my Mom talked to him earlier today my father was crying about stuff and was like "Why does Gwin hate me?" And said that Rev. Jim told him that I was livid. I AM livid. I hate him so much sometimes that it's hard to put into words. I resent him for the way he's treated my Mom. I hate the fact that he's let me down over and OVER again. I can't remember a time when he and I were close. I just don't. It's pathetic that Jay and Mr. Dittmer were the only guy figures in my life that ever gave even a little shit about me. And it's not that I don't appreciate that, but when it comes to my father why couldn't he just care? I have all of this emotional vomit that I could just explode at him, but I don't think I can. I don't think I could hurt him... even if he's hurt me. So am I childish? Am I the self-centered one for being so... crabby with him and this situation? Should I be open and honest like everyone else, or is it just a sign that I'm more... I don't want to say "adult" but maybe considerate that I don't want to hurt him? Why can't I just act compassionate towards him? Hatred is such a waste of time and energy... but I can't get over it.

There's just no where to go in this house now. He has all the upstairs. He has all the attention he always wanted. He's even taken over my dog. MY dog. I'm just so... frustrated that I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just throw myself out the window and die. Ok, maybe not die... but be in a coma for the next few years. I don't know what to do about him, I don't know what to do about school, I don't know how I'm going to get the money... I don't know how to get a loan... I don't know anything. I wish I could just go to sleep forever and not have to deal with this crap anymore. Life just sucks sometimes.

Short points.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 03:29:35 GMT

- My father is in the hospital
- Spent the entire weekend hearing how my Mother hates her life
- I have no idea how I'm going to pay for school
- My dog smells horrible and I wish he'd get off my pillow
- I'm in love with Doctor Who. Hands fucking down.
- Farscape is also pretty bitchin'.
- I haven't smoked in three days.
- I got my Beatmania game in the mail.
- I need to go dancing sometime soon.
- Patrick broke his wrist. :-( Poor boy.
- All four rats are now in one cage.
- Patrick dedicated a song to me on Facebook that seems to imply that he has feelings for me. I'm not sure how to exactly approach that at the moment. I don't know how I feel about a lot of things.
- I should REALLY give my dog a bath.

Really.

Like he must have gotten into something. Holy crap I didn't notice how bad he stinks before.

I think I might gag.

G.R.O.S.S

Werd.

Stand Alone or Don't Stand At All

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 09:30:01 GMT

I feel like all I've been doing recently is whining. I suppose this is the place to do it rather than watching everyone look at me like I'm a childish fool. But I AM a childish fool. To believe that I can run from this. Run from who I am. But I am running. Running and never looking back. Running and never checking to see that I'm on the right course. It doesn't matter that I'm out of breath and staggering under the weight of the choices I've made. Who I've made myself into. How can I be who I am? I can't... I won't... But it's not really a choice and it's catching up to me. There's only so much I can do to pretend that I fit in. I don't. I won't. I can't.

Some days I think I'd rather die than try to face reality. Some days I think that's the reason for my past actions. To try and make my body into something my mind can never come to peace with. I'd become rippled with hard scar tissue; a perfect demonstration of what I've done to my heart. What I've done to my mind. What I've done. And I've done it.

Pain is so easy compared to the alternative. The alternative isn't happiness. Not for me. I've destroyed that. For me days pass by without thought or feeling. I stay awake at night dreading the morning when I have to get up and dress myself in my own skin. I have to force congruency. Now it's a burning numbness spreading through my body like I've let myself fall asleep. A tingling through every pore warning me that this is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This has to be right.

So many times I want to fall to the floor and sob. Crawl into someone's arms and be held. Be assured. I'm alright. I will be alright. This isn't abnormal. I'm fine, normal, and safe. But I can't. I won't. How could I put that on anyone? How could I ask such a sacrifice when I'm not sure that I can ever function enough to return that kind of love. Even if I feel it I can't act it out. I'm not sure I could even accept that kind of attention. I'm Gwin. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm secure. I'm alright; I'm always alright.

All I want to know is: when can I stop running? When will I be able to be free of myself?

It's all falling down around me and I don't know where to hide anymore. I don't know who to be. I don't know how to save myself this time.

And most of all I don't know who I am.

Taco

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 02:49:39 GMT

So tonight my Mother and I went to Hobby Lobby to get some fabric. Then a huge fight erupted over me asking about taxes. All I said was I thought it was unfair that they get credit for my taxes instead of me. And she flipped out. I didn't mean I wanted the money or anything and they said they'd get me a car with that money... but that wasn't my point. My point was that I've paid for school 100% by myself, I've had the money taken out of my checks, and they get it. But not in a personal manner... in a "that's messed up" manner. I mean why do THEY get money back for money I'VE spent? It's a weird way of filing finances.

Now I don't want them to help me get a car. Fuck that. I can do it by myself. I'm the one who lent my Mother $200 this week. I don't NEED their help. I can get a loan if I need it.

I just think money I've earned, spent, and invested should go towards MY name. It's nothing personal - really it's not... I just don't understand WHY it happens. And for GOD SAKE any one explain anything to me - nooooooo let's yell at Gwin in the middle of a store.

Fuckers.

Fuck that and fuck them. They can keep their goddamn money.

An Ode To Past Experiences

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 09:12:40 GMT

"Blue Blanket" by Andrea Gibson

still
there are days
when there is no way
not even a chance
that i'd dare for even a second
glance at the reflection of my body in the mirror
and she knows why
like i know why
she
only cries
when she feels like she's about to lose control
she knows how much control is worth
knows what a woman can lose
when her power to move
is taken away
by a grip so thick with hate
it could clip the wings of god
leave the next eight generations of your blood shaking
and tonight something inside me is breaking
my heart beating so deep beneath the sheets of her pain
i could give every tear she's crying
a year---a name
and a face i'd forever erase from her mind if i could
just like she would
for me
or you
but how much closer to free would any of us be
if even a few of us forgot
what too many women in this world cannot
and i'm thinking
what the hell would you tell your daughter
your someday daughter
when you'd have to hold her beautiful face
to the beat up face of this place
that hasn't learned the meaning of
stop
what would you tell your daughter
of the womb raped empty
the eyes swollen shut
the gut too frightened to hold food
the thousands upon thousands of bodies used and abused
it was seven minutes of the worst kind of hell
seven
and she stopped believing in heaven
distrust became her law
fear her bible
the only chance of survival
don't trust any of them
bolt the doors to your home
iron gate your windows
walking to your car alone
get the keys in the lock
please please please please open
like already you can feel
that five fingered noose around your neck
two hundred pounds of hatred
digging graves into the sacred soil of your flesh
please please please please open
already you're choking for your breath
listening for the broken record of the defense
answer the question
answer the question
answer the question miss
why am i on trial for this
would you talk to your daughter
your sister your mother like this
i am generations of daughters sisters mothers
our bodies battlefields
war grounds
beneath the weapons of your brother's hands
do you know they've found land mines
in broken women's souls
black holes in the parts of their hearts
that once sang symphonies of creation
bright as the light on infinity's halo
she says
i remember the way love
used to glow like glitter on my skin
before he made his way in
now every touch feels like a sin
that could crucify medusa kali oshun mary
bury me in a blue blanket
so their god doesn't know i'm a girl
cut off my curls
i want peace when i'm dead
her friend knocks at the door
it's been three weeks
don't you think it's time you got out of bed
no
the ceiling fan still feels like his breath
i think i need just a couple more days of rest
please
bruises on her knees from praying to forget
she's heard stories of vietnam vets
who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs
she's wondering how many women are walking around this world
feeling the tingling of their amputated wings
remembering what it was to fly to sing
tonight she's not wondering
what she would tell her daughter
she knows what she would tell her daughter
she'd ask her
what gods do you believe in
i'll build you a temple of mirrors so you can see them!
pick the brightest star you've ever wished on
i'll show you the light in you
that made that wish come true!
tonight she's not asking
you what you would tell your daughter
she's life deep in the hell---the slaughter
has already died a thousand deaths with every unsteady breath
a thousand graves in every pore of her flesh
and she knows the war's not over
knows there's bleeding to come
knows she's far from the only woman or girl
trusting this world no more than the hands
trust rusted barbed wire
she was whole before that night
believed in heaven before that night
and she's not the only one
she knows she won't be the only one
she's not asking what you're gonna tell your daughter
she asking what you're gonna teach
your son

Wet Hair and a Cold Attitude

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 07:28:13 GMT

Maybe I should go back on meds for awhile. I just can't seem to get back up on my feet. Normally I'm not so negative, but I just can't bring myself to do much of anything. Everything seems completely pointless. I don't want to sleep... I don't want to be awake... I want to talk to some one... but I have nothing to say.

It's like those public service announcements about kids on dope. I just am sitting here and nothing is getting through. I was like this for awhile in high school. I also did some pretty crazy shit back then. I just don't want things to get that out of control again. I just want to be able to wake up and be happy. I don't mean magically. But happy like it's all worth getting out of bed.

I don't know what to do. I feel like shit.

There are some days when I just wish I didn't exist.

Diet: Day #2

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:36:12 GMT

So once again I've decided that I need to lose pretty much a massive amount of weight. Today is the second official day of my diet... though I've been watching what I eat for a week or so. To be honest... I WANT FOOD. No joke. I think it's partly because I know I shouldn't eat. But there's chocolate in front of me, chips in the cabinet, soup, hot chocolate... there's all this food that I WANT to eat. However I'm not going to give in. I can't. It's amazing to think that I've gained like 30 lbs in the matter of... probably five months... Meh. I need to just be healthy. Even if I don't lose a ton of weight there's no reason I NEED to constantly eat. It's become just a bad habit.

Today's top story: Well not really. On the way to work I was crossing the street by Walgreens. I DID check to make sure there were no cars, but as I was walking a car pulled up really close behind me (probably two feet -- I could have touched it with my hand) and blared their horn. I thought I was going to have frickin' heart attack. I turned around and there was my boss, Shawn, grinning and waving at me. What an ass! Later he said it would have been better if I would have slipped and fell... and he also said he wouldn't have stopped. Then he made me snap a rubber band on his arm... he is a very strange man.

At work though I did get a really good evaluation. Partly because I DO work as hard as I can... compared to the other people I work with. But also someone went online and sent an e-mail to the company, which ended going up to our district manager's boss, who sent it to Michael (The DM), who told Shawn. Someone took the time to write about how I helped them. They said I was "A lovely young woman" and I went "Over and beyond" what's normal by helping them find what the needed, and when it turned out we didn't have it I showed them how to get it.

Honestly... I don't remember any of this. Most of the time I just try to do the best I can. But I am really grateful for whoever did that. It's an amazing feeling not only to know that I actually did something right, but also to know that my bosses KNOW that I'm a good employee. I love my job. I try my best. But sometimes I doubt that's really good enough. I'm not the absolute top in sales... I don't know EVERYTHING about electronics... I don't have the computer system completely down yet... but I give it my all... and then some.

Weird Days

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 07:27:20 GMT

Today was certainly bizarre. There were a bunch of tornadoes and the temperature was in the mid-fifties. And people say global warming doesn't exist. Pssht.

I'm really bored in general right now. My hours at work are down and I don't have classes until the 28th. Basically I'm just sitting on the couch and sleeping. It's really not helping my diet plan at all. Usually I have activities that take my mind off things but at the moment I'm sitting in a house full of food, alone, and with nothing particularly productive to do.

I was looking at pictures from a few months ago and man; I was skinny! It's amazing how in such a short amount of time I can put on that much weight, and the fact that it will take me much longer to work it back off. I was like 115 lbs and now I'm up to almost 150. That's ridiculous!!! WTF was I thinking?

In other news I'm pretty sure Carl really likes me. The problem is it's not mutual. I thought I liked him. I thought it was just awkward because we didn't know each other. However, it seems that wasn't the case. He's not a bad guy at all. And in all reality it probably isn't because of any of his shortcomings. I just have no idea what I want. I thought I knew until I went to Stellar Spark. Now my world is turned upside down.

Some one save me?

Please?

Holiday Drama

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 04:21:50 GMT

For some reason this year I'm just not feeling the Christmas spirit. I am the Scrooge of the year and I'm the first to admit it. My family absolutely drives me insane and the notion of having to spend an entire day with them staring at me at MY house just seems very unappealing. I'd rather be left alone to be honest.

Usually my work is a place of refuge, but now it's all hectic there too. Someone stole ten Nitendo DS systems from the cage. The man from Loss Prevention said he didn't think any one would be that stupid to steal from their own place of work... however considering that the cage wasn't broken, it was still locked, and nothing else was out of place... I don't think a common shopper would sneak in back, pull out ten DS systems, not mess ANYTHING else up, and then get back out the front door without any Sales Associate noticing ten boxes under their arm. That doesn't make any sense to me at all. So tomorrow, on Christmas Eve, I get to go into work and get "interviewed" by a man who is an interrogator for the U.S. Military. Frickin' great.

I'm extremely annoyed with life right now. And I really hope I don't get fired or anything.

WTFx100

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 04:25:38 GMT

My Father figure inspires a great sense of rage in my which I can not calm. He is so lazy and inept that I just want to screams and throw sharp objects through the house and magically make him understand how his behavior really reflects through other people's eyes. I can't even begin to describe his passive aggressive bullshit. He has deceived himself so fully that he actually believes that he makes a great contribution to this family. In reality we'd all be much better off if he was to take his leave.

As for my official WTF situation:
Patrick IMed me and went on this tirade about how the biggest mistake in his life was running away from me and our relationship. He wants to build a relationship again and apparently has magically fixed his life. Considering that yesterday he was planning on moving to Utah to be with this girl that he met like twice at raves and now wants to stay with me... that's fairly disconcerting.

The fact of the matter is that I don't trust him. I don't know if I'm able to even get any of that back. Everything he has said to me in the past has been a lie. Granted he was on a good amount of drugs, but even taking that... would I want to be with some one like that?

We were going to get MARRIED and he freaked out because of a third party friend and ran away to Chicago with no money and no contacts. I can't handle that drama again. I have way too much to do and way too much going for me.

And My Thoughts Consume Me

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 05:07:54 GMT

My mother made an appointment to put Bernie down on Friday. Most of me is glad that this day has come. He's absolutely uncontrollable, and completely viscous. Our house wreaks of urine and we're forced to either keep him in the kennel or face the unending anxiety when people visit... Really I know it's time. He's bitten badly numerous times now, and it's not fair to either him or our family to have to live with that.

However, part of me is very uneasy about the whole ordeal. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm completely confident in my convictions about death and the afterlife. I AM killing my dog. Whether it's for a higher purpose or not, I AM killing the dog I've had since I was in third grade. I will be the direct cause of his death, and concurring disappearance from this plane of existence. One moment we will be standing at the door, and within a matter of hours he simply will have ceased to exist. That is an extremely sobering thought for me.

Another matter at hand is my Mother. She is an absolutely amazing, strong, brave woman. Yet I fear that most of that is just a mask she wears to protect me, and in doing so probably protects herself just as much. I have to go with her to the vet to hold the dog while she does paperwork but she says I don't have to go in and watch. When I was younger and they put down Luke my parents sent me to Green Bay with my Aunt so I wouldn't know. Now I am not afforded that luxury. I know. I know and I'll be there. I feel like I have to go in the room with her. She shouldn't HAVE to deal with this on her own. She shouldn't HAVE to carry this family on her shoulders alone... but I don't know if I can handle this. I cry when my mice and rats die. I'm not sure I can hold it together to see them shoot drugs in my dog's veins and kill him. To see his last breath. His open endlessly staring eyes. It's unfair that my father is so inept that I feel responsible for my mother. This should be my place. But it is. This is r.e.a.l.i.t.y and I need to face that. I need to grow up and deal with the consequences that life throws.

There is a quote from a book I read: "If you would take a man’s life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.” Do I owe this to Bernie as well?

I'm really not sure what's going to happen. By this time Friday Bernie will be dead. He won't exist. And if he does, in some form, could he ever possibly understand our betrayal? Could he know that this life wasn't for him? Can I be the judge of that? Reality though is reason, and the fact is the dog has attacked people for years. My Mother has ended up in the ER and the Wound Clinic. He's bitten me in the face. He's attacked my Father four times in the last month, with the last being so bad I had to go out walking in the snow storm to get butterfly stitches.

Yes, I fear, reality is a reason which I can not turn from... yet my decisions haunt my every action.

Black Friday

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 23:15:17 GMT

Holy hell! I had to be at work at 4:30 AM and I just got off at 5:00 PM. It was crazy! People were lined up outside our store and practically mobbed us to get in. It was insane. But I am exhausted. I love my job, but we don't get breaks... which sucks on these long days. Tomorrow I work 9 hours, Sunday 8, and Monday 5. Then I get a day off.

The good news is it'll be a great pay check which I need to pay for school. I also stapled my finger today. Like both prongs went in all the way to the head which was digging into my hand. I had to pull it out and the prongs were all bloody then my finger started gushing blood... no frickin' fun. Not at all.

So now I am going to go eat pizza and not move until I have to get up in the morning. Fun times yo.

Heaven Forbid

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 07:33:26 GMT

Tonight's one of those beautiful nights that I wish I could grab onto and hold in my hands. It's cold... about 30 degrees... but it's so crisp and clear I could hardly feel it. It was snowing but the stars were out and it's quiet... I guess there's a comfort in the calmness. Walking at night is good for the soul. At least for my soul.

I feel strange. I've been doing so well recently that I don't want to slip back into the "old Gwin" but it seems inevitable. I just can't figure things out. I can't figure out where I'm going or what I should be doing. I'm so discontent. I feel empty and I can't figure out what I could do to fill the gap that's slowly dividing me apart. I kind of want to be in a relationship, but then again I really don't. I want people to be close to me but I sabotage every chance I get.

I can't shake this. I can't be who I am... but I AM who I am... How do I resolve this?